Wednesday, April 8, 2009

It's at the times when you think no one else can possibly feel this way

...that you have to remember... everyone else feels this way sometimes.

i'm not full up this week, friends.
i'm beat.
i'm tired.
i'm sick of it all and I don't want to do it anymore. i want to take off to Cali, forget about all my responsibilities, avoid money and people and hard work for a while.

my body is rebelling against me, my mind is racing, my stomach is turning.
and that's not me. i'm an ox with a cast-iron stomach and a backbone of steel, not a stressed-out weakling susceptible to the latest malady (ya sure can tell i love them purty feminine metaphors, eh?)

last week i wrote exams about everything that can go wrong with your heart.

i preached on sunday.

i started a month of work in Toronto on Monday testing people's hearts.

i slept thirteen hours last night

i have today and tomorrow "off": today was the seminar about helping those who self-harm. (you know, a little lighthearted banter to finish up my time) and tomorrow I prepare for Thursday night... man. at least Friday's coming.

right now, i'm spending my life on what i have to do to get by, and giving the leftovers to what i love to do. and that's the part i hate.

and i'm pretty lonely, i've got to say.
i miss a heckuva lot these days. but all of what i miss is gone forever.
there's no use trying to go back, and things were never as good as one remembers.
but i do miss people that i could trust and friends who understood.
there's no one i can call for a cup of coffee right now that isn't in a meeting or a hundred kilometres away, and that's pretty frustrating.

and if that's the worst thing in my life, i know i'm still doing pretty good.

yeah, i know I'm whining.
there are far worse things in life. i'm (generally) healthy, happily married, emotionally and financially stable, and there's nothing chasing me from my past.
many people would kill to be where i am.
and i'm sure most know i still wouldn't trade being in this city and with these people for a million dollars.

half of the time, I feel that I shoulder a lot. the other half of the time, i feel like i complain far too much.

overall, i still have a pretty amazing life. i'm in an amazing place, and there's nothing i'm doing now that won't pay its dividends.

and the hard times, too, will eventually pass. a brief blink of an eye in the long span of my years, and less than a millisecond when you get around to eternity. (much more than nice words, eh?)

next week i'll have ten extra hours in total from taking the train to work on things... next week there will be a lot more done... and next week both my body and my mind will have recovered somewhat. besides, this weekend is Easter, and if that's not hope, what is?

1 comment:

TLC said...

Hey Meredith - you're not alone this week at all!! I've had one of those weeks that shakes you...makes you second guess things a bit. It's ok to retreat, regroup.
Oh, and 13 hours sleep last night - way to go!!